


Something Blue

by Pedestaltrooper



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, lexa's totally head over heels for Clarke, raven totally ships it, she's super gay all the time, theyve been best friends since like high school
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-04
Updated: 2017-02-04
Packaged: 2018-09-21 21:56:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9568547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pedestaltrooper/pseuds/Pedestaltrooper
Summary: "Where's Clarke?" She shrugs off her jacket as she slides into the booth next to Lexa, takes a swipe at her fries.Lexa glares, "Bathroom,""Did you order already?" Her words are muffled, mouth stuffed with fries. Lexa's fries. "You got my text, right? Cheeseburger special?""Yes.""No onions?""Yes.""Still in love with Clarke?""Ye-" Lexa chokes, coughing up air as she's left spluttering like a fool. She turns to Raven, glare rightfully in place and she isn't sure if she's about to murder the brunette or-"Gotcha," she waggles her eyebrows, smirk plastered on as she swipes another fry.Or, clexa road trip au





	

**Author's Note:**

> This took me like eight months to write, I honestly never thought I'd finish it, but alas, my love for clexa prevails
> 
> My Tumblr is pedestaltrooper if you wanna stop by and say hi :)

 

"Just get in the car, Lexa."

Lexa keeps moving forward, chin tilted high, eyes pointed directly in front of her as she avoids Clarke completely. It'd be a whole lot easier if Clarke weren't currently driving next to her, probably going slower than two miles per hour, and Lexa tries her hardest to find something interesting to focus on but that's kinda hard to do when she can feel blue eyes searing into the back of her head. She can already imagine what those same eyes must be doing when she finally speaks up, "Leave me alone, Clarke." And if Lexa weren't sure before, she's positive now that Clarke is most definitely rolling her eyes as she speaks up, her voice cheerful with a hint of sarcasm. Genuinely Clarke.

"You know I love it when you're mad but can we do this when I'm not in a moving vehicle in the middle of a street?" And that's the problem, isn't it? That floppy grin that she must be sporting right now, the way her head tilts when she makes a jab, and Lexa knows for a fact her head is tilting without even having to look because her voice always gets that bubbly effect when she does it. It's genuinely Clarke, and that is exactly the problem.

Lexa snorts, a choked laugh in the back of her throat and she's scared it might actually turn into a sob if she doesn't get a grip. Clarke doesn't seem to notice, begins to rant on about something all the while Lexa tries to block her out. "It's really nice out here, is it always this quiet? It seems quiet-"

"We're in the middle of Riverside, Clarke, it's always quiet!" The thing about this town is that there's only really three major streets, and they all connect in the middle of town square, the fourth is a freeway that goes on for hours before you reach any kind of civilization because out of everywhere they could of ended up, her parents just had to choose the smallest, most close knit town to settle down in. It's not that Lexa doesn't like living here, it's quirky, has character is what her father says. No, the problem is that Clarke just had to be here. The problem is that Lexa just had to run into her on that one sunny day, where the clouds looked like dips. At the grocery store, she remembers, because the lady in front of her at the cash register was taking ages to count her change of pennies and dimes to finish up buying her lime. Yes, a lime. As in one. That's apparently what happens in quirky towns that have character, at least, that's what her mother told her when she recounted the story later that day. Something about Miss. Jenkins being an old soul who likes things the simple way. That was all okay, until Lexa decided to back out of the line, her arms huddling over the jug of milk in her arms, hugging the chill to her chest, something she tends to do when she's nervous. The hugging of something to her chest that is, not the jug of milk specifically.

Clarke laughs, "Is it? I've never noticed." She's thrown out of her thoughts then, the sound of Clarke's... Lexa doesn't even know.

She keeps trudging forward, lets out a harsh breath right through her nose and she can see it float away in shallow puffs of smoke, wisps begging to get free, before disappearing in a sharp spike of cold as another round of wind knocks over in the opposite direction, makes the slightly slanted rode that much harder to walk on and Lexa just wishes it would knock her right over. "Lexa, I mean it, get in the car. You're going to catch a cold." Lexa brushes her off, dismisses the comment with a stiff, "I'm fine." but Clarke just laughs, does that head tilt again as she says: "Okay, but don't expect me to pick up some Benadryl at three in the morning when you're moaning about your stuffy nose and stealing all the blankets." And this is where Lexa just snaps, her body moving on its own accord before she can even think as she marches up the three or so feet and stands right in front of Clarke, the only thing separating them is the car door and Lexa can hear a dull click, Clarke probably having locked her door for comedic effect but instead she stares wide eyed when Lexa finally speaks up, her words coming out in a burst of angry air and for once she's glad this street is always empty otherwise the whole town would have probably heard.

"You think this is a joke?"

She swallows. Clarke does, that is. She always does that when she doesn't know what to say. When she's nervous. She blinks, her eyes big as ever. Blue, blue, so blue. And Lexa wants to cry.

Clarke's voice is gravelly when she finally speaks up, like every hint of a jab or sarcastic remark has been dropped and all that's left is Clarke. The Clarke that listens, and listens, and never likes to talk about what she's feeling but it's okay because Lexa talks enough for the both of them. "I don't."

"Yes, you do! Everything is a joke to you, Clarke. This stupid town, and that horrid dress Abby was in-" this gets a laugh out of Clarke, "and I'm tired of it!" Clarke now has a few stray tears running down her face and Lexa aches to wipe them away, to tell her she's sorry and that she didn't mean it but she did. She did, she did, she did. They stare at each other for a few seconds, Lexa's breathing evening out. Clarke brings a sleeved wrist up to her face and begins to wipe her eyes, careful not to smudge her eyeliner even though her mascara has already begun running. Her voice is more or less the same, like dry sand even though Lexa's the one who feels rubbed raw.

"It _was_ an ugly dress." Lexa laughs. A real, genuine laugh that bubbles up her throat and comes out a wet mess and Lexa doesn't even notice she's begun crying until Clarke bats her eyelashes, blinks slow as she brings her hand back to the side of the car door and pushes the button on the arm there. Lexa can hear the 'click' of the doors unlocking.

Lexa wipes at her own eyes, takes in a deep breath that fills her lungs with a spike of cold air that burns her esophagus and a shuddery exhale. She nods once, makes the slow trudge to the other side of the car, and Lexa swears she can feel the doors handle burn as she yanks the door open, can feel the leather of the seat searing into her skin and threatening to melt her whole but all she can see is Clarke. _Blue, blue, her eyes so blue._ She always looked beautiful when she cried.

////

The house is mostly empty except a few stray balloons floating high up on the ceiling, veering dangerously close to the chandelier, and Lexa has to side step confetti as they make their way through the kitchen and up the stairs. When they make it to the first few steps, they can hear a few voices coming in from the living room and she is glad they came in through the patio and not the front door. Lexa doesn't think she'd be able to look Mrs. Griffin in the eyes if she had to. They walk up the stairs all the while avoiding the areas that creak. Lexa is sure she could do this with her eyes closed, has this whole place mapped out like the back of her hand. She places a palm to the railing and grimaces when it comes back a wet, sticky mess of vibrant purple.

Two halls down, third door to the left. Clarke's room is the only door painted a different color, you couldn't miss it if you tried. It's a sky blue that makes you feel like you're floating and Lexa never wants to leave.

When they get to her room, they don't speak a word. Lexa goes through the motions of packing a duffel bag with all her belongings and Clarke just watches her from the door. What starts off as calmly folding a few shirts turns into a frantic jumbled up mess and Lexa doesn't realize her hands have started shaking until Clarke is at her side, holding her wrists in her own and whispering soft words but all Lexa can focus on is the feeling of calloused fingers and her skin feels like it burns. She doesn't know what's happening until she's a blubbering mess and Clarke's already bringing a hand up to her cheek and wiping away a few stray tears and Lexa wants to claw at her own skin. She pushes Clarke away, wipes furiously at her eyes, and turns back to the bed where the duffel bag is, begins shoving in rolled up tubes of socks and a plastered red flannel. Her shoulders hunch with every silent sob and her thumb slices open on the zipper when she rushes to close it. Clarke is back at her side in an instant, ignores Lexa's attempts to get her away, to push and shove, and the want to _flee_.

"It's okay, I'm here. Lexa, _I'm here."_

And Lexa wants to scream because that's _exactly the problem._ Clarke is always _there._ She was there when Lexa fell in the middle of the hallway during passing period in eighth grade, the kids walking by all laughing at her and Lexa can still remember the way her cheeks tinted in embarrassment until a certain blonde helped her pick up her things and asked if she was alright before heading back to her group of friends. She was there on the first day of ninth grade, during roll call in Mr. Novak's class of earth science and Lexa remembers the way she would stare longingly across the class room, at a bundle of familiar blonde hair. Clarke was there at the grocery store, a jug of ice cold milk in her arms and as Lexa made to walk out the line, she faintly remembers bumping into someone before she went tumbling to the ground, jug of milk forgotten as she stared wide eyed at bright blue eyes.

Lexa can feel Clarke's hands, the pads of her fingers running down her wrist's until their hands are entwined and Lexa can't do anything but hold her breath, the droplets on her eyelashes leaving a wet print every time she blinks. "I can't- I can't be here. I need to go."

"Lexa,"

"I need to go." She repeats, and Clarke slowly lets go of her hands, makes her way to her closet and pulls out a backpack before reaching for the first drawer in her dresser. Lexa watches for a few seconds as Clarke begins to pull out various articles of clothing- mis-matched socks and her favorite plain black hoodie. She breathes in slack jawed, wants to look away but then Clarke is sliding on the backpack, tugging it closer as she hikes it up her shoulder and then Clarke is walking towards the door. A pause, and then: "Well, are you coming or not?"

Lexa can only nod. She was never any good at saying no to Clarke.

////

_Lexa doesn't understand why she keeps getting in situations like these. Sure, she's clumsy. Her mom always did promise her she'd grow, and after fifteen years of being the shortest stout in the family, she'd finally hit a growth spurt. Six whole inches of it. She's all wobbly knees and broken sight, 'least that's what Anya always tells her, the way she knocks into every bump in a corner._

_So sure, Lexa's clumsy. It's been well established, but_ seriously?

_Lexa lets out a surprised yelp when her hip hits a chipped part of the aluminum floor, her arms outstretched in the hopes to regain some sort of balance, but all that seems to do is make the gallon of milk go flying, and if Lexa doesn't compose herself right this second then her dignity might as well follow suit because the next thing Lexa knows is someone's laughing at her. Not just any laugh, either. Lexa knows that tune, purposely takes the long way to third period just so she'll pass a certain set of lockers. Lockers that usually have a blonde pushed up against them, her lean causal as she talks to friends, arms folded over her chest as she throws her head back, typically after Octavia makes, what Lexa assumes to be, some type of joke._

_But that's at school. That's during passing period right before third, and maybe sometimes after fourth period, right before lunch and Lexa always offers to help Miss. Slink clean up because she knows that that same blonde likes to spend her lunch in the art room instead of the cafeteria._

_This isn't school. This is the grocery store and even though Lexa has had her fair share of run-ins with the blonde before, it's never been in public, it's always been in line to get school pictures taken, or in freshman earth science, or basically anywhere that's not here. Lexa is_ not _about to freak out._

_She looks up hesitantly, a half smile in place as she peers through her thick curls that have fallen over her face, looks up and finds those blue eyes she's become so familiar with. It's not like Lexa stalks or anything, she just likes to observe. From afar. And look away as soon as anyone notices._ Not creepy at all...

_"I'm sorry-" she keeps laughing and Lexa has to remind herself to breathe. "Did you need any help?" And it would sound a whole lot more sincere if every other word wasn't interrupted with a giggle._

_Lexa decides to be bold, she's already at her lowest point anyway..._ literally. _"You think this is funny?" The girl just keeps laughing and Lexa resists the urge to smile, "You think this is a_ joke?" _The words hold no malice, only a hint of playfulness and if Lexa knew it'd be this easy to talk to her she would have sucked it up and done it years ago._

_She shakes her head, stifles her laugh as she holds her hand out and as Lexa takes it, she can feel her palm tingle. When she's all the way up on the balls of her feet, they stare at each other for a second. Lexa holds her breath as she watches the girl blink, and then: "Hi, I'm-"_

////

"Clarke!"

Lexa immediately turns around at the sound of that voice, nearly giving herself whiplash. "Aden?" The boy ignores her, instead bounces on the balls of his feet as he stares up at Clarke excitedly.

"Where are we going?" And Lexa almost feels bad when she speaks up because he just sounds so _excited_.

She intervenes, putting herself between Aden and Clarke as she stares him down. "What do you mean where are _we_ going? _You're_ not going anywhere." This pulls a whine from the floppy haired boy and Clarke can't help but laugh as she runs her hand over his short, choppy locks, musing up the blonde strands.

"But Lexa-"

"No buts, mister. You march yourself all the way back to Mrs. Griffins house." All Aden does is ignore her, slides himself between the two girls until he's standing in front of Clarke again.

"Come on, Clarke, let me come with, _please_." Clarke just laughs again.

"Sorry, kid. That's up to your sister." And Lexa would be grateful that Clarke said that if she weren't currently giving her the same puppy eyes that Aden is. Lexa is about to give in, and really, who could blame her? With those blue eyes and signature pout, Lexa could never really say no to Aden. It's the reason him and Clarke always teamed up, they were her biggest weakness. That is until Lexa notices the backpack Aden's sporting.

She grabs him by the shoulder and tugs on the strap as she inquires, "What's this?" Clarke is the one who speaks up, curious herself and Aden nearly cowers under all the attention.

"Aden, did you pack a bag?" But it's not a question, he knows this, and all he can do is stare at Clarke as he slowly drags out, "Maybe..."

Lexa rolls her eyes, "And how exactly did you know to pack a bag?" He looks to his sister, then to Clarke hoping for some sort of support but Clarke just laughs again and gestures towards Lexa, silently telling him to answer her question.

Aden sighs, defeated. "Okay, so I _may_ have overheard the two of you earlier, but it was for a good reason I swear!"

"So you were spying on us?" And of course, that's totally something he would do, Lexa wishes she were surprised.

It's Clarke who speaks up instead, "What have I told you about eavesdropping, kid?"

He sighs. "That I shouldn't get caught."

Lexa throws a glare over her shoulder, directly at Clarke but all Clarke does is pretend she didn't hear that last part. Lexa thinks for a moment, lets out a puff of air and walks the last few steps to the car, her shoulders drooping as she opens the backseat door and gestures with her head, "Well hurry up then," Aden's eyes sparkle with victory. He gives Clarke a quick high five as he skips to the car, throwing himself into the back seat. These two are gonna be the death of her.

////

They end up at some crappy hotel thirty miles down the freeway and it's not until after they pay for a room that Lexa realizes they didn't really prepare much for this trip. With only a twenty left in her pocket and a duffel bag full of clothes, Lexa begins to question her life choices.

Lexa turns her head to the left a bit, looks at Aden as he flops on his belly on top of the mattress and skims through a comic book. Her parents are going to kill her when they find out. It's a good thing they're not home. At their high school reunion to be exact, all the way in Texas, on a far off little corner, and even though her parents usually find those kinds of things ridiculous, they just couldn't resist to show it off at everybody's face that they're still together. Yep, high school sweethearts and it makes Lexa nearly want to gag. It's the reason her and Aden were staying at the Griffin residence, and it almost feels like too much. There's a reason Lexa avoided going to Clarke's place after high school. The place just felt too empty. Family game nights were now subjected to four people instead of five and Lexa swears she can still hear his booming laughter every time she thinks about even going back to Clarke's house.

The door to the hotel room opens with whipping wind following right behind Clarke's heels, the door shutting a little too loud for her liking in an attempt to keep all the cold air out. She swipes a bag of takeout from between her teeth and waves it out in front of her, her other hand fiddling with the locks on the door, each trigger 'clicking'.

Lexa rolls out of bed with a groan of "Finally!" as she takes the bag from Clarke's grasp, already has it open and sifting through the containers before she's even made it to Aden's side of the room. He already has his arm outstretched, his eyes never leaving the comic book. Lexa puts the takeout bag on the bed and hands Aden his bowl of rice and noodles, cuts open a packet of soy sauce and hands it to him only for Aden to squeeze out half of its contents before handing back the rest of it to Lexa which she proceeds to pour into her own bowl. After about the third packet, Clarke can't help but raise an eyebrow at the siblings. Lexa only shrugs, spoon in her mouth as she gets up and makes her way to the other bed.

Clarke grabs the paper bag on her way to the bed - ruffles Aden's hair as she passes by - and the mattress groans as she slinks down onto it. Lexa snorts when she sees her pull out a pair of chopsticks. "What?" But it's said with a glare, one that Lexa doesn't take seriously at all.

"Clarke, those are training chopsticks. They're for _children_."

Clarke's only answer is a roll of her shoulder as she exclaims, "I'm still learning!" but it comes out more humorous than menacing, and Lexa can't help but show off an amused grin. It makes Clarke laugh, her hand waving around the chopsticks in a pointed manner. Lexa can see that glint in her eye, like she wants to say something, _do something_ \- and then Clarke is looking away after a few seconds, stuffs her mouth with beef and broccoli. Lexa looks away too.

////

It's dark in the hotel room.

After dinner, they were all pretty wiped out from the long drive and had decided it best to call it a night. Lexa and Aden had shared a sink when brushing their teeth, Lexa spitting out the foam past Aden's head, ("Gross, Lexa!"). Clarke skittered by, stealing the towel right out of Lexa's hands to wipe her newly washed face, before heading towards the window, pushing the blinds closed. Clarke hates sleeping with any sort of light in the room, it drives her mental.

And now it's the middle of the night. It's dark. Lexa turns her head, in the direction of the bedside table, 2:34 blinking back at her in blocks of green. She can hear Aden snoring. He only ever snores when he's exhausted. She can feel movement right beside her, and then: "Lexa?"

It startles her, but she relaxes when a hand finds hers between the sheets, fingers loosely intertwining. She swallows before whispering, "Clarke?" It's quiet for a while, another minute until Clarke speaks up again.

"What are we doing here?"

It's a no brainer, really, when she answers right away, "I don't know." And it's a no brainer when she tugs Clarke's hand a little closer, can feel her knuckles near her hip now. She hopes that is the end of the conversation. That Clarke will just stop now and go back to sleep. Instead, she rolls onto her side, so she's staring down at Lexa, their bodies closer and Lexa moves their hands until they're resting on her stomach.

She looks at Clarke, at her eyes that look grey in the dark, a stormy kind of iris. Lexa looks at the way she furrows her eyebrows as her hand splays around her palm, begins to twirl her fingers within her own. Lexa lays back and let's her, watches a crease fold on Clarke's forehead when she runs her thumb over Lexa's knuckles, like she's inspecting her for something, like she's _distracting_ herself from something...

Lexa wants to reach out, wants to cradle a warm face between itching palms, wants to melt the fire in her veins, beat it at its own game. She calls out to her instead. "Clarke?"

She hums, finally looks away from their hands and up to Lexa's face, and Lexa swears she can hear it. Can hear the tiniest breath get caught in Clarke's throat, like maybe she can see it in her eyes too. That dopey, wide eyed look she always gets when Clarke looks at her, like maybe she's finally noticed it. But Clarke only blinks, heavy and slow.

Lexa wants to be mad. At herself, at her hope. Because Clarke is a dream. She's someone you can only ever hope to have, the kind of person that just doesn't exist. Not to people like Lexa. No, Lexa is the kind of girl who will end up working a shitty job, paying off her parents' loans because God knows they can't afford that house. She's the kind of girl who settles. Finds the next best thing and stays there. And Clarke, Clarks is a dream.

Lexa wants to reach out. She ends up saying, "Go to sleep, Clarke." instead. The other girl only nods, rolls away from Lexa until she's back to her side of the bed.

It is dark and the sheets suddenly feel too cold.

////

Clear blue skies and nothing but road, it's all Lexa can see in front of them. It's all she's been able to see for the past few hours. It's a bumpy ride and Lexa's been sporting a headache for most of it. A paper ball whizzes past her head, snags her right in the ear. Aden ignores her glare for a more important matter. "Snape is so not a fuckboy!"

"Are you kidding? He's the biggest fuckboy! He's _the_ fuckboy-"

Lexa warned Aden about bringing up anything wizard related to Clarke. He knows how she gets. Couple of children the lot of them. Well, Aden is a bit mature for his age. Lexa cant really say the same for Clarke...

"-not to mention Snape is a huge and total asshole-"

Pushing her headache to the side, her neck crooning with unbearable weight, Lexa has to force herself to turn towards Clarke and shut her up before she teaches her brother anymore foul language.

"Clarke, please, Aden's annoying enough without knowing the F word." This earns a cry from the boy and a laugh from a certain blonde who most certainly should be paying attention to the rode ahead of them instead of what she's currently doing, and what she's currently doing is sticking her tongue out at a twelve year old, like _she's_ any better.

All Lexa can do is roll her eyes as she lolls her head back on the window of the passenger seat, closes her eyes in an attempt to rid herself of this damn headache. That doesn't last very long. A harsh finger prods her shoulder, Aden's squeaky voice practically piercing her ear drum and she has to shove him off to get him to stop, his lithe body falling into the back seat.

"Hey, seatbelt!" Lexa turns to Clarke thinking she's finally decided to be an adult but instead all she sees is Clarke laughing at her as she reaches to high five a disheveled boy. He looks so tiny and fragile all by himself in that back seat. Lexa quite likes knowing she can crush him...

Aden locks eyes with his sister, glares right back, "Hey, I know that look, don't you dare-" before he gets a chance to finish, Lexa unbuckles her seat belt, the click making Aden's eyes go wide as she lunges towards him. It's awkward and her hip hits the middle console but Lexa is able to glide through pretty easily after that, her arms outstretched as she lands in the back seat, right in front of Aden and the poor boy doesn't know what to do but let out a shriek as lithe fingers begin to tickle his sides, ribs aching. He kinda sounds like a bird...

"Okay, enough, enough!"

But Lexa doesn't relent, "What was that?"

"I give in!" She only smirks as she finally pulls away, ruffles Aden's hair as she slides to the other side of the backseat.

"That will teach you to mess with me, little brother." Lexa can hear a muttered, "Whatever" coming from the boy across from her but he's sporting a smile nonetheless.

She finally settles into the backseat properly, clicks the seatbelt into place as she twists to one side slightly and rests both feet on the center console, her shoe nudging Clarke's elbow. She smirks at her through the rear-view mirror, her eyebrow arched as to say _now who's the immature one?_ Lexa only rolls her eyes then looks away, leans her head on the window and crosses her arms over her chest.

It's another hour until they've made it to some city. The roads have too many potholes and everything is too loud. The car behind them honks their horn relentlessly and Lexa wakes with a jump, her head hitting the roof of the car. Aden laughs, at her obvious pain or Clarke honking back and yelling obscenities at the lady of said car, Lexa doesn't know. It pulls a smile from her nonetheless.

Clarke flips the turning signal, preens over the steering wheel, both hands on board as she makes to turn, the city bank coming into view. It's packed to the brink with cars and it pulls endless amounts of anxiety from Lexa. She never did like the city, for all her complaining of small towns and how she'll forever despise her parents' decision to move to one, she actually quite likes it. Doesn't nearly compare to wherever the hell they are currently.

Putting the car into park, still keeping it running, Clarke leans over the middle console, puts her hand on Lexa's knee for only a second, "I'll only be a minute," and then she's off, leaving Lexa alone with her brother in the backseat of a car in a completely unfamiliar city she's never been to.

And Lexa isn't _stupid_ , Clarke doesn't do nice. But she's left the car running, assurances of being back soon, and a burning welt on her knee where her hand had been only moments before.

Lexa hates big cities. And she's _so_ going to kill Clarke.

////

_"I thought I'd find you here."_

_She looks up, startled, wasn't aware anyone else was in the room but then she meets eyes with none other than Jake and it surprisingly pulls a smile from her face, a weak one at that, but a smile all the same._

_"Sorry, I just needed a minute." Her voice is hoarse, she knows this, but she pulls through anyway. Feet scuffed underneath her, Lexa is curled up on the couch of her living room, cup of tea nestled between both hands and she sits up a little straighter when Jake takes the seat next to her._

_"I come on your mothers behalf. Listen Lexa-"_

_"I hate funerals," There's a moment of silence between them. Jake fiddles with the tie wrapped loosely around his neck. Lexa looks down at her cup of tea, stares at the dregs until she starts to zone out._

_After a while, he says, "He was a great man." Lexa laughs, it comes out miserable and cold._

_"Did Clarke ever tell you about the time my grandfather took us fishing out at the lake?"_

_This pulls a laugh from Jake, a hearty, honest to god laugh. He smiles that dopey smile of his. "You mean that time you and Clarke showed up at my doorstep dripping wet from head to toe?"_

////

Later that night, (after Clarke had come back from the ATM and a McDonalds bag stuffed with burgers and fries) they find themselves in yet another hotel. It's a bit nicer, but there's only one bed instead of two and Aden is a reckless sleeper. As in, he likes to kick and move around too much.

After twenty minutes of contemplating her brothers murder, Lexa huffs as she rolls off the bed and sits on the ground, her back resting against the foot of the bed.

There's an obnoxious red light blinking in through their window and Lexa isn't surprised when she feels Clarke sidle up next to her on the ground. "Couldn't sleep?" It comes out a whisper, cautious of the boy sleeping soundly on the bed above them.

"I was. And then I wasn't..." she frowns, "Aden woke me up with all his moving."

"What's wrong?" This time it's Clarke's turn to frown. Lexa shakes her head, chuckles a bit but it just comes out sad, dejected.

"It's stupid..." Clarke finds her hand in the dark, grabs ahold of it, cradles it over the scruffy carpet and Lexa looks down, avoids her gaze. They sit like that for a while, Clarke holding Lexa's hand as if she were some child whose scared of the dark, and then she speaks up. "I was just thinking... remember my grandfather's funeral?"

"The one you ditched halfway through? Yeah, I recall." There's a confused quirk to Clarke, like she's not sure what this has to do with anything, and then it suddenly clicks, her eyes widening just the tiniest fraction. She's about to say something but Lexa shakes her head.

"Your dad is the one who found me. I was hiding out at my place. I don't even know how long I was just sitting there... and then Jake comes walking in, he was about to say something but I interrupted him." Lexa doesn't know when she closed her eyes, or when she started gripping Clarke's hand, but then she feels a hand on her cheek, wiping away a stray tear and she decides then to plow through. "I told him about the time we went fishing, and then he gave his version of the story and we laughed. And it was like for a moment, everything was okay. But then we stopped laughing and everything wasn't okay. Because he was gone-"

"Shh, hey, hey," She sure as hell doesn't know when she began crying either but now Clarke is cradling her in her arms, holding her like she'll break if she ever lets go and Lexa just lets her because _it's Clarke._ And Lexa always lets her.

"Why did I interrupt him?" She's a blubbering mess now, is talking over tripped words and fallen tears, "He was- he was going to say something and I stopped him. And I know it was advice, someway of getting through it all-"

Clarke holds her tighter, runs a soothing hand through her hair as Lexa's head rests on her chest. Lexa's knees give out and now she's leaning her entire weight on the girls sternum but Clarke just shoulders it all, continues to whisper reassuring words into deaf ears and all Lexa can hear is the blood pounding through her.

Her voice comes out broken, half mixed with sorrow and grief, and Clarke just let's her. "I shouldn't have interrupted him. If I would have listened then I'd know- I'd know how to get through this. I just really need to hear those words right now."

Clarke runs a hand down her back, "Dad always did give the best advice," Lexa doesn't look up but she can tell by the slight hunch of her shoulders that Clarke's crying too, is trying so hard to be strong. _She's so strong, even when she doesn't have to be_.

"I miss him so much, Clarke. I'm sorry."

"Yeah, me too." A minute, and then: "Lexa?"

She sniffles, uses her sleeve to wipe at her eyes, "Yes, Clarke?"

"Lets go home." Lexa nods, slowly gets to her feet. She leans all her weight against Clarke as she leads them to the bed. Lexa tries not to think about home.

(Tries not to think about the image that comes to mind when she hears the word home.)

( _Blue, blue, so blue._ )

////

_Lexa can see her before she reaches the table, waves her down from across the diner. Raven scans the place before she finally lands on Lexa. She looks like a maniac as she limps over to her, all manic smiles and wide eyes. Lexa likes her immensely._

_"Where's Clarke?" She shrugs off her jacket as she slides into the booth next to Lexa, takes a swipe at her fries._

_Lexa glares, "Bathroom,"_

_"Did you order already?" Her words are muffled, mouth stuffed with fries._ Lexa's _fries._ _"You got my text, right? Cheeseburger special?"_

_"Yes."_

_"No onions?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Still in love with Clarke?"_

_"Ye-" Lexa chokes, coughing up air as she's left spluttering like a fool. She turns to Raven, glare rightfully in place and she isn't sure if she's about to murder the brunette or-_

_"Gotcha," she waggles her eyebrows, smirk plastered on as she swipes another fry._

_Lexa is silent for a moment, mouth slightly ajar. "I don't know what you're talking about."_

_"Oh come on, Lexa. We've been friends for what? Three months?"_

_"More like four," she corrects._

_"Exactly. I know you."_

_"What does that even mean?"_

_"It means that-" Raven is interrupted when Clarke slides into the booth, sitting across from her. Clarke's brows are furrowed in confusion as she looks between her two friends, Lexa glaring at Raven like she's about to throttle her, Raven smirking right back, unfazed._

_Lexa breaks the eye contact, tired of their petty stare contest. She takes back her fries, pushing the basket towards herself and takes a bite out of a fry._

_Clarke shakes her head in amusement and laughs, "What'd I miss?"_

_"Nothing!" Lexa exclaims, at the same time that Raven speaks up._

_"Just talking about Lexa's crush."_

_Clarke laughs again, quirks a brow at her and Lexa cowers under her gaze, flustered. Raven steals her fries, chomping down over the red basket and Lexa's about to take them back, anything to distract herself. Raven puts a finger up, "Ah, ah, ah," as she squirts an ungodly amount of ketchup into the container. "What's that thing you don't like? Ketchup was it?"_

_Lexa huffs again, slouches in her seat. "You're disgusting."_

_She scrunches her nose when Raven dips a fry, tosses it into her mouth along with the glob of ketchup._

_"What's this about a crush?"_

_Lexa turns back to Clarke, seemingly forgetting they were in the middle of something, "You don't know her." But Clarke just looks at her, unconvinced. She puts her hands up in surrender, shrugging._

_Raven pats her shoulder, joining in. "She's right. You wouldn't be able to pick her out in a class full of people." Lexa's glad for the back up._

_"So we have a class with her?" Clarke asks then, genuinely curious. Yeah, no. Homicidal thoughts are back and now furiously directed towards a certain someone. Why is she friends with Raven again?_

_"Do we?" She directs the question to Lexa this time, Raven having stuffed her mouth with more fries. Lexa tries not to strangle Raven right there and then._

_"Uh," she coughs, "something like that."_

_"So you're into the artsy types, huh?" It comes off as teasing, playful even, but all it manages to do is make Lexa choke again, her face heating up. Something changes in Clarke then, realization dawning on her. "Wait! Is that why you're taking art this year?"_

_"Wh- what?" It comes out shaky, Lexa knows this. And Ravens incessant laughter isn't helping._

_"Yeah, Lexa, is that why you took art?" Raven asks innocently._

_Lexa gathers herself enough to squeak out a response. "What's so surprising about me taking art?" She sounds offended, really._

_Raven laughs again (more like cackling) "please, Lexa, you're_ so _not artist material. How are you even passing that class?"_

_"Hey!"_

_"She's right, Lex, you're terrible."_

_"What is this? Offend your best friend day?"_

_"We're best friends now are we?" But Clarke's tone is softer, no longer playful and Lexa nearly melts at the sight. She kicks Raven under the table when she pretends to gag, the brunette letting out a string of curses in Spanish under her breath before she composes herself and plasters on a fake smile for Lexa's sake, glaring at her all the same._

_"Okay, okay. I'll admit, art isn't my forte or anything, but Miss. Slink_ likes _me. It's not my fault I'm lovable."_

_Raven snorts. "Please, you're a suck up at best," Lexa rolls her eyes, "besides, just admit it. You're only taking art 'cause your crush is in there."_

_"So your crush_ is _taking art!" Clarke high-fives Raven in triumph. "Do I know her?"_

_"No."_

_"I must know her."_

_"You don't."_

_"I know everyone in that class, it's my favorite period."_

_"Just let it go, Clarke. Please."_

_"Fine." But it's said with a smirk, like she's plotting._

_Lexa's glad for the distraction when the waitress arrives with their food. Raven speaks up over a mouthful of burger. "So if you're not taking art for your crush then why are you taking it?"_

_Lexa rolls her eyes, shrugs a shoulder casually as she picks up her own burger. "Its senior year, I wanted an easy period. Chemistry is kicking my ass."_

_Both Clarke and Raven hum their agreement, Raven going on this animated rant about how Mr. Phelps got mad at her for mixing the chemicals again and nearly causing an explosion. "It would have been amazing too if the bastard hadn't stopped me."_

////

The place itself looks fine, it's the people in it that Lexa's wary about. They're all tough looking, a group of friends off to the left wing all sporting matching leather jackets. They're big and burly and look about ready to kill a man but in reality they're all laughing with buddies and having drinks.

When Aden said he was hungry, they ended up pulling into the first restaurant they came across, a red bricked building with more motorcycles than she can count out in the parking lot. And sure, everyone seems harmless enough (not really) but Lexa's civilized. She knows not to judge someone by their outer appearance. She can do this. They're here to get something to eat and then leave. No big deal. It's just _dinner_. (And really, what the hell was she thinking when she allowed Aden to come with them? He's a _child_. Lexa is nowhere near responsible enough to take care of herself let alone another human being. Her parents are so going to kill her.)

"Lexa?" It's a whisper right against her ear, Clarke's body pressing up against her and now they're shoulder to shoulder. Lexa turns her head slightly, looks at her with an anxious tick and Clarke only raises an eyebrow, lets out a chuckle when Lexa huffs out in exasperation.

"You're making fun of me,"

"What, me? Never."

"Clarke, you're _laughing_ ,"

Clarke shakes her head slightly, a grin appearing on her face, "Only because you're being ridiculous."

"Of course you'd find this funny." But somehow the annoyed huff Lexa let's out only makes Clarke laugh more. She stumbles a little, leans her shoulder against Lexa's until she's practically on top of her and Lexa is suddenly keenly aware of everyone in the diner looking at them, numerous eyes searing into her. Lexa looks down, eyes trained on the metallic floor of blue and white boxes all checkered around. "Clarke," she whispers, but it comes out more shaky than intended.

Clarke finally calms down enough to look at Lexa and her face immediately falls when she sees the state her best friend is in. "What's wrong?" And Lexa would have found it adorable if she wasn't focusing all of her attention on her breathing, the way her chest expands and constricts with every forced breath. She feels gentle fingertips running down her arm and then at her wrist, can feel a warm palm cradle her hand as their fingers interlock and then Clarke is _closer_ \- Lexa tries to ignore it, she really does but Clarke is whispering things in her ear, words she can't even make out over the feel of hot breath on her neck.

Lexa doesn't even know how they've ended up here, only that she's sitting down in a booth (at the very corner of the diner, secluded from the rest of the crowd, Clarke made sure of that) Clarke is pushing a plastic cup towards her but Lexa's hands are still shaking so she grips onto the cup, raises it to her lips slowly. She's taking long gulps of the iced water and it's another minute before the ringing in her ears slowly turns into noise, the diner lighting up with sound of various conversation and other customers scraping forks against plates, eating their food and minding their business.

It's then that Lexa registers the hand at the small of her back, Clarke squished into the seat next to her and a worried expression etched into her features. "Hey there," her voice is soft, softer than usual, but for some reason it resonates louder than any other sound around her. Lexa doesn't really know what to say.

"Where's Aden?" She manages after a few seconds or so.

"I gave him a few quarters," Clarke gestures to the end of the diner and Lexa follows her line of sight. Aden's on his tip-toes, hand gripping the joystick of an arcade machine. He seems to let out an annoyed whine, his tiny hands reaching into his pocket and taking out another shiny coin before shoving it into the coin slot. The machine seems to come to life and Aden tries to peer further over the game console, fingers jamming at the controls.

"I'm sorry,"

" _You're_ sorry?"

Lexa lets out a heavy breath, gives Aden one last look over before turning back to Clarke. "Everyone was looking. I freaked out and I shouldn't have."

Clarke rolls her eyes, gives Lexa a pointed look, "You're so stupid sometimes you know that?" But the way she's looking at her, Clarke's eyes are soft and so full of something (and maybe if Lexa wasn't so busy being offended she would have noticed the way Clarke's smile curved up, the way she shifted just a little closer)

She locks on to blue eyes, keeps a steady gaze, there's a challenge written in them and Clarke is just daring Lexa to say something. (It almost reminds her of high school, that old diner she and Clarke would go to every Friday, right after chemistry club and Lexa hated it, _god did she hate it_ , but she always waited that extra half hour for Clarke, made sure to get there early even just so she could save Clarke a seat. Mr. Phelps knew she wasn't even an official member but he let her be the score keeper anyway.)

Lexa refuses to relent, and if it was anyone else, she wouldn't care, but _it's Clarke_. Lexa keeps telling herself it's only because her best friend has a big ego, thinks she's always right and yeah, sometimes she likes to prove her wrong. It's a fucking staring contest for crying out loud.

Clarke's eyes flicker down for only a second before they're back on her and Lexa would of totally called her out on it but Lexa swears she looked at her lips ( _blue, blue, so blue_ ) Clarke suddenly speaks up, their faces so close together that Lexa can practically taste the words.

"Remember chemistry club?"

(She shouldn't be surprised, not really. Clarke and her always had a way with words. Like they were on the same wave-length)

"What about it?" She's a bit embarrassed it comes out breathless but Clarke doesn't seem to notice.

"Mr. Phelps thought we were dating."

"What?" One word, her voice strangled, Lexa's eyes are wide now and she's sure she must look like a maniac. She clenches her fists at her sides, prays that Clarke isn't reading her mind right now because otherwise she'd be hearing her mantra of _kiss her, run away! Holy shit abort!_

"He thought it was cute my girlfriend would come to every meeting. You looked miserable."

"I hated chemistry," _kiss her, kiss her, get the hell out!_

"You came to all the meetings," and it's true. Lexa came to every single meeting. Even the Monday morning ones that took place an hour before school even started and all they did was debate about the newest chemistry magazine article (which Jasper insisted they just _had_ to subscribe to)

"Clarke," Lexa's voice is barely above a whisper now, their faces so close together and she can feel Clarke's hand against her back, her arm still looped around her, and Lexa swears she can feel it burn, tiny flames igniting against her skin and seeping into her spine.

Clarke speaks up and suddenly Lexa's throat is dry, a lump in her throat trying to rise to the surface no matter how much she wants to stamp it down. "Lexa,"

She opens her mouth but no words seem to come out. It's something she's accustomed to, not being able to speak around Clarke. Like she could never find the right words. This time it's different. Lexa knows the words. Whether they're right or not, she can't be sure.

(She knows she shouldn't. Knows she should just stop this, make up some flimsy excuse and just _get away_ )

( _It's Clarke,_ she reminds herself)

Clarke with her witty comments and crooked smile. With her blue eyes and the way they turn into an ocean when she cries (the way Lexa never seems to be able to look away but it's okay because _it's Clarke_ ). Her voice of reason, her safe haven, her _best friend._ It's Clarke. It's always been Clarke. Lexa knows this. Has always known it, in some strange way. The way she turned into a tornado whenever she was around, the inside of Lexa's eyelids violently swirling, like she could see the sky before it touched the ground. The dust and debris that reside in her lungs, they began to sprout flowers from seeds she never knew were there, began to bloom so bright and so violent before it all quickly spiraled upwards. Beautiful in its wake, Lexa didn't notice at first when it became hard to breathe.

So yeah, it is Clarke. And Lexa looks at her like she's an exploding galaxy, the destruction it leaves behind, with its twists and turns and shooting stars. Lexa thinks it may just be the most mesmerizing thing she's ever been subject to.

But then there's Lexa and Clarke is looking at her like she could pull right into her chest, grip on to her ribs and feel the pulsing of her heart, try as she might to hold on and to never let it go.

Lexa wonders when this love, this glowing orb of _something_ that resides below her throat, began to feel like a ticking time bomb.

////

_They meet in high school. Octavia Blake is all dark hair and dark eyeliner and Lexa has spent the better part of five years being terrified of her._

_(Ever since seventh grade and Lexa watched as Octavia pushed Jasper off the monkey bars, effectively breaking his arm)_

_Lexa had been wandering the halls, looking for her first class. It's the first day of senior year and even though she knows she should be excited, Lexa just wants it all to be over. Nine months until graduation. She's got this._

_"Lexa!" She whips around, nearly bumping into someone who also seems to be looking for their class. She mutters a quick apology and moves past them and that's when she sees her. Clarke._

_Lexa knows she must be sporting a goofy grin but she's too happy to care right now. They had become fast friends after, what Clarke likes to call it (much to Lexa's chagrin) 'The Great Milk Debacle of 2011.' Most of her summer break was spent with the blonde, either at the Griffin residence or her own house (Although Lexa much preferred Clarke's place since Anya wasn't around to constantly tease her about her crush. Thankfully, Clarke never seemed to notice or Lexa would be mortified.)_

_When she reaches her, Clarke goes in for a hug and it's so unexpected that Lexa nearly drops her textbooks._

_"What classes do you have? Lemme see your schedule," without waiting for a response, Clarke swipes the schedule right out of Lexa's hands, scanning the rectangular index card quickly. Her eyes light up when she gets to the bottom of the list and she lets out a squeal. "We have chemistry together! Raven's in that class too, you remember her right? The crazy chick at my dads Fourth of July BBQ? We also have art! You're gonna love Ms. Slink-"_

_Lexa's nodding along but it gets cut short when Clarke lets out another squeal, pointing to some lockers in the general vicinity and then grabbing ahold of Lexa's hand, dragging her to them. There's a girl there, jet black hair covering half of her face as she hunches a bit, struggling to get the lock open. She fiddles with it for a bit before seemingly giving up and letting out a heavy sigh._

_Clarke leans her shoulder against the lockers, faces the girl directly, "Sup,"_

_The girl whips her head up at that, glares at Clarke for a second before she realizes who it is and then lets out the biggest grin Lexa has ever seen on her. Both girls squeal in excitement (and honestly, hasn't that been enough squealing for one day?) and they're jumping excitedly as they hug each other tightly. Lexa can barely make out Clarke's mumbled words. "Oh god I missed you so much!"_

_She pulls away from the hug then, eyes going wide, "how was camp? Did you get all my letters? What's this about a cute boy?" She carries on like that for a while, throwing question after question at the poor girl until she finally takes her eyes off of Clarke and looks directly past her shoulder, at Lexa._

_"Who's this?"_

_Clarke beams even wider (if that were even possible) and takes a step back, gets right into Lexa's personal space and wraps her arm around her shoulder. Lexa instinctively takes her hand and she can feel Clarke practically shaking with excitement as she exclaims loudly, "Oh! Octavia, this is my friend Lexa. Lexa, this is Octavia. She just got back from softball camp."_

_"Softball camp?"_

_Octavia shrugs at Lexa, "My brother makes me go every summer, says it'll help with my 'anger management'" she drawls, rolling her eyes. She then extends a hand, "I hope Clarke hasn't been bothering you too much, Lexa. It's good to meet you." But she has this twinkle in her eye that she can't quite put a name to. She smiles at Lexa like she already knows who she is but she doesn't have time to overanalyze it when Raven seamlessly shows up from down the corridor, signature red jacket and smirk in place._

_The three of them get into this long discussion about Octavia's camp crush, and Clarke keeps her arm around Lexa the whole time, occasionally giving her hand a squeeze to let her know she's still there._

_"His name is Lincoln and_ oh my god _you guys should have seen those_ arms _-"_

////

"What are you guys doing?"

She backs away from Clarke immediately, takes in a deep breath and her eyes are wide when she looks at her brother.

Aden has his brows furrowed, face screwed up in concentration as he looks between the two girls, like the light bulbs are going off in his head. Except, instead of a light switch turning on, Lexa imagines the delicate glass bursting from the base, heat encompassing every nerve and vein until his head implodes.

But Aden doesn't look mad, doesn't look at her disapprovingly and if she catches a glimpse of slight judgement in her brothers features, she chalks it up to sibling protectiveness.

(And okay, Lexa's not _stupid_ , she knows Aden's had a crush on Clarke since he was like eight)

("I love her! I'm gonna marry her!"

"Aden, shut up you're like ten,"

Raven snorts, looks at Aden and then Lexa, "That didn't stop you, did it?"

Lexa picks up the nearest pillow, throws it at Raven but the girl only gives her a smug look when she manages to duck just in time.

"I'm just saying, we were what? Eleven? Twelve in middle school?")

"Hey, kid. How was Pac-Man?"

Aden narrows his eyes suspiciously at Clarke, draws his answer out slowly, "My quarters jammed," Clarke quirks a brow, gives him a sympathetic smile, "sorry for your loss," and if Aden looks exactly like Lexa when he rolls his eyes, Clarke doesn't seem to notice.

He slides into the booth, keeps a respectful distance between himself and the two girls and Lexa offers him a silent bribe in the form of ice cream as dessert. Of course, he complies happily, only turning to look at his sister every now and then throughout dinner. Lexa pretends not to notice. She instead tries to focus on her soup, swirls the spoon around the bowl until it's gone cold.

Clarke turns to look at her at one point, tilts her head in a silent question but Lexa only shakes her head. Clarke shrugs, holds Lexa's hand under the table and doesn't seem to notice the way Aden smiles at them over his chocolate sundae.

////

The waitress leaves the check on the table, "You ladies have a nice evening! Your son is such a cutie!"

Lexa splutters, tries to talk but only a strangled noise comes out.

Clarke laughs, says her thanks as she picks up the check, turning to give Lexa a lopsided grin and a small shrug.

////

"This can't be right," Lexa narrows her eyes at the gps, the screens brightness a stark contrast to the cars dark leather.

Clarke hums her reply as she pulls out of the parking lot. "What can't be right?"

There's a receipt between her teeth making her words slightly muffled. Lexa rolls her eyes, reaches her hand out to take the receipt. Clarke has the habit of holding things in her mouth. Paintbrushes, bookmarks, _receipts_. It's like the woman doesn't know she has two hands.

"It says there's nine hours until we reach our destination."

"What does?" Clarke leans to one side, tries to get a better look as she makes a sharp right turn. She's also a terrible driver.

"The _machine_ , Clarke," Clarke jumps a little, turns to look at Lexa with a confused look as if this is the first time she's actually hearing her. Lexa lets out a sigh, slouching in her seat.

"Gimme a sec," Clarke says over the steering wheel, laying one hand on Lexa's knee. She curses under her breath, glaring at the rear view mirror and some guy who just cut her off. Lexa closes her eyes momentarily, hoping that when she opens them all the other cars will magically go away, but to no avail.

"Of course we'd get stuck in traffic, it'll be hours until we finally get on the freeway."

Clarke smiles, amused, "Don't exaggerate,"

" _Hours_ , Clarke," But she's smiling too. It's hard to stay mad at Clarke, even when she wants to, even when she _really_ wants to. It's like she can't function without her, like the world might just spin off its axis.

Lexa turns in her seat and leans to one side and just stares at Clarke. The way she taps her fingers against the steering wheel, eyebrows furrowed whenever she looks out the window. She picks up her hand, the one that's still on Lexa's knee, and she laughs when she realizes Clarke is also tapping her fingers there. Lexa doesn't know how long they stay like that, Clarke staring out the window just waiting for the traffic to clear, Lexa holding her hand and feeling like there's fire freezing over her veins.

It seems like forever but then Clarke is breathing out a finally and letting go of her hand, switching the gear shift to drive.

Lexa tries not to be disappointed, she really does, it's just that being near Clarke makes her feel like she can breathe fire. Lexa doesn't even really know what that means or if it's just the long drive getting to her but then they're going sixty on the freeway, Clarke's hand tapping away on the steering wheel while her other one comes down and nudges Lexa's pinky. Lexa looks down, looks at the way Clarke moves her hand away and rests it on the middle console, palm up.

If being near Clarke makes Lexa feel like she can breathe fire then holding her hand might as well be the whole fucking dragon.

////

Lexa doesn't know when she fell asleep, all she knows is that her neck hurts, probably from the awkward angle of the head rest.

She tries to move, _"Holy shit,"_ and immediately her hand comes flying to her neck, or at least it tries to but then she feels a tug, something holding it back.

A moment, and then Lexa realizes she's still holding Clarke's hand, their laced fingers resting on the middle console. Seeing that, seeing _them_ like that, makes Lexa jerk her arm again. Not on purpose. More like instinct. This condition to distance herself.

Clarke is looking at her then, a mix between amusement and concern. She would be worried that Clarke's not paying attention to the road but Lexa can tell they've slowed down and there aren't any other cars around them. It's dark out, too. _How long was I out?_

"Hey, sleepy head. How was your nap?"

Lexa groans, "Like my neck was snapped in two," Clarke shakes her head, pretends to look at her neck as if she were examining it. Lexa holds her breath when cold fingers press against her throat, and it's like a rush of air when she speaks, barely a whisper. "What's the verdict, doc?"

Her voice is soft. Lexa knows it's only because she's tired. She'd offer to drive if she knew Clarke would say yes. She wouldn't though. Also, Lexa can't drive.

Lexa is blinking too much, like somehow making eye contact will show everything, lay it all down. They've been best friends since high school, since _senior year._ So when did it become so hard to be near her? To look her in the eye when they speak, to make _contact_.

"You'll live."

Lexa nods, moves away until Clarke's hand is just hovering instead. _The minute I fell in love with her._ That's it, isn't it? Lexa just had to go and fall in love with Clarke, out of anyone it could have been. And it's complicated, right? People, _ordinary people_ , don't just fall in love with their best friend. She just had to go and fuck it all up. And now what? It was easy, at first. It was easy to be around her. To have sleepovers and movie nights, to spend every waking moment together. Lexa can't remember when it became this hard to _breathe_.

Clarke stops talking, recoils even, and brings her hand back to the steering wheel. Lexa opens her mouth, tries to say something, anything. She closes her eyes, tries to focus on the way the skin on her neck still feels warm. If she focuses enough she might even be able to trace Clarke's fingers in her mind, sketch out her thumbprints.

Lexa doesn't realize the car's stopped moving until she can't hear the engine running anymore. She opens her eyes and is surprised when she sees Clarke looking right at her, a hard set to her jaw. Something akin to determination that Lexa can't quite make out.

"We need to talk,"

It's like a slap to the face. There's nothing warm about the way she says it. _Oh god she knows doesn't she?_ Lexa grips the hand rest, digs her nails into her palm. _She knows I'm a fraud_. Lexa tries to remember everything she's done the past few days? Week? _What did I do? Did I stand too close to her at the soda machine? Was my hand holding not platonic enough? Fuck fuck fuck-_ "About?" _Nice, Lexa. Good one. Now she probably thinks I don't care._

Silence. Clarke pauses, takes a good look at Lexa, like she's micro-analyzing, micro-examining, micro-whatever-the-fuck-she's-doing-ing. And it's making Lexa _nervous_.

Lexa isn't really sure what's happening, or if anything _is_ happening because as far as she can tell Clarke is just looking at her but holy shit if looks could kill... well let's just say Lexa would be on her way down to the depths of hell by now. Or would it be heaven? She's not sure which she belongs with nor has she ever been the religious type but right now she can't help but pray that this isn't what she thinks it is. That Clarke isn't about to call her out and end this shitstorm of a friendship. And really, it's no one's fault but Lexa's. She's the one who just had to go and develop feelings. She's the one who had to go and fall in love with the way her blonde hair reminds her of the rain, the way her eyes reflect it so perfectly. And her laughter. _Holy fuck her laugh._ It's like taking everything good in this world and just being able to listen to it, drown yourself in it.

Clarke looks like she's clenching her jaw, but she doesn't look angry. No, she looks... she looks like she wants to punch something? That sounds bad, like she has anger issues or something.

She gets out of the car then, doesn't slam the door so Lexa thinks maybe she's not mad after all but then Lexa sees her walking fast, away from the car where it's apparently parked on the side of the road now, a huge field that goes on for miles to its left.

"Shit," Lexa goes for the door handle, fiddles with it until she gets it open and she forgets Aden is still asleep in the backseat. She's reminded of that when the door slams shut and Lexa jumps, makes sure he didn't wake up with a quick sweep of her eyes but honestly, that's the last thing she's concerned about right now.

"Clarke," she can see her breath in the air and it's so dark that she can only make out Clarke's figure fifteen or so feet away. It's cold and Lexa picks up her pace. They must be getting close to home because it's just a one-way road at this point and the faster she walks the louder the crunching of her steps get.

"Clarke!" It's like she's ignoring her on purpose. _Only Clarke would make a scene and not actually want to talk._

She looks ridiculous, out here in the open, beanie barely covering her ears and arms folded over her chest like she's trying to keep warm. Lexa can see every puff of air she blows out, the way the fog curls around her hair and disappears. Standing here, in front of her, Lexa can't help but wonder if this was always meant to happen. If it was always meant to end here.

_Why does it feel like something's ending?_

"Clarke. It's cold." She rolls her eyes like it's the most stupid thing Lexa could have possibly said in a situation like this, and then she catches herself, realizes what she's doing and she scowls instead. Except, Clarke doesn't really know how to scowl so she just looks like she's trying really hard not to frown.

Right here, in the dark, Lexa can make out the way Clarke's hair is freezing over, like she could count every tiny little particle of cold air. Her eyes are missing their signature color.

"I mean. Get back in the car," Clarke raises an eyebrow at that but it doesn't come off as playful and suddenly Lexa doesn't know where they stand. "It's cold, Clarke. Let's go back, okay? We can talk in the car."

"What are we doing?" It should be easy. Lexa should be able to answer so they can just stop. Except, she doesn't know how to answer. Clarke tries again, louder this time.

"What are we doing, Lexa?"

And Lexa, she doesn't know what to do. Looking down at the ground, she can just about make out Clarke's shiny shoes. Lexa whispers. "I don't know,"

"What?" It comes out _angry_. She's definitely mad.

"I don't know!" Lexa doesn't mean to scream, she doesn't mean to start crying either but next thing she knows she can feel something hot running down her face. It feels nothing like Clarke's warm touch. It doesn't feel comforting. It feels humiliating. Like somehow Clarke has won this silent fucked up excuse of a game.

Clarke's shaking her head, looking at Lexa like she _hates_ her and Lexa, Lexa doesn't want to be angry. Not with Clarke. Never with her. But really what the fuck was she expecting? She can't just do this. She can't just walk out and yell and expect Lexa to know everything. _I know that I'm mad at you._ Clarke can't just do shit like this, demand answers from her like she's some kind of search bar. _I know that I don't want to be mad at you._

"So that's it? That's all you have to say to me? That you don't know?" It comes out spiteful she might as well have spit it out. Lexa doesn't even really know what they're talking about only that there's _too much of it._ And now Clarke's crying too. God, she was always an ugly crier. And Lexa is trying so hard not to cry and it's just a _mess_. A big giant, mess.

"What do you want me to say, Clarke? Tell me, please, tell me what to fucking say!"

"I just want the truth! For once, can you just be honest about how you feel?"

Lexa hopes that Clarke doesn't notice the way she freezes up, or if she does that she chalks it up to the cold. She remains silent, looking down at her shoes and Lexa has never wanted to scream so much in her life, to get it all out.

"Why. That's all I want. Just tell me _why_." Lexa doesn't know how to answer, doesn't understand why this is so important to Clarke. Everything was going so well, so how did it all go so wrong?

"Goddammit, Lexa, I have done _everything!_ I've been patient, I've waited for you to come to me but it's like push and pull with you, isn't it? Did I do something wrong? Did I not give you enough space? Just tell me what I did so I can _fix_ it-"

"You can't fix everything, Clarke!" Clarke stops suddenly and it's exactly what Lexa wanted but not like this.

"That's not what I meant..." she takes in a breath and everything is coming out softer now. Lexa wishes she could just let this go but for how long?

"Yes. It was." And you know what the fucked up part is? If someone would have told Lexa this is how the night was going to end, with Clarke crying because of her, she would have believed it. It's so typical, really. "You can't... you can't fix _me_ , Clarke. Okay? That's not how this works."

She comes closer now, a hand reaching out tentatively and Lexa hates herself for not being able to take it.

"I know that. I would never... look Lexa, I'm not here to fix you or whatever-"

"Then why are you here?" Lexa doesn't mean to snap, not when Clarke is being so good. _She's always so good to me._

"Because you're my best friend." This draws a laugh out of Lexa, a wet, painful laugh that trickles in with her tears. "And because I want you..."

Lexa looks up then, waits for Clarke to continue but she doesn't.

This time she does take Clarke's hand, speaks so softly it's almost like she's not there at all, "You want me what?"

It seems so fitting when Clarke just shakes her head instead, like she can't think anymore. "I just want you to be okay. And I know you're not." She's stepping closer now and all Lexa wants to do is step back. "Because you don't run away when you're okay." And if Lexa feels Clarke's hand on her face, a thumb wiping away the tears, well, Lexa's too busy with her eyes closed to really think about it. (Really.)

"That wasn't what I was-"

"Wasn't it?" ( _Blue, blue, so blue_.) "Lexa," but she just shakes her head, refuses to open her eyes because Lexa knows exactly what she'll see. ( _It's just Clarke._ ) "Lexa, look at me." And really, hasn't she done enough crying for one day? But it's Clarke. It's always Clarke. Right there, right now, with a warm hand on her face and a soft voice by her ear and Lexa thinks everything might just be spinning. "Please open your eyes."

And it's the way she says it. Not demanding, not even asking. No, it's more like pleading. And Lexa could never say no to Clarke.

She opens her eyes and the first thing she sees is Clarke and it's like breathing in for the first time and Lexa doesn't _understand_. Doesn't get how someone who can cause her so much pain can also make her feel like she's anchored to the earth.

And then Clarke does something she wasn't expecting and it's like being punched in the gut all over again.

"Because it's kind of hard to run away when the thing you're running away from is right there next to you. Right?" It's not accusing. It doesn't come out spiteful or even sad and Lexa is _tired_. Tired of hiding. Of everything.

And kissing her. Lexa can't say she planned it. Can't say it's not the single most important thing she's dreamed of since she was sixteen and back in high school and the rest of the world didn't matter.

Clarke holds on to Lexa, curls her fingers around her shirt and grips so tightly that Lexa is almost sure this isn't something she wants but then she's kissing back, so soft, so slow, a stark contrast from the way her knuckles turn white and her entire body shakes.

Lexa's the one who pulls away first, finds Clarke's hand and tangles their fingers, feels the tension go away.

Out there, in the cold of the night, Lexa rests her forehead against Clarke's, breathes her in and it's not the answer to everything, but it's a start.

"I could never run away from you, Clarke."

////

The lights are on when they park in the driveway, and Lexa, she's not _surprised_ , but she was hoping. Aden is asleep in the backseat and Lexa already has her hand on the seatbelt ready to unbuckle, to just get this over with but then Clarke is putting her hand on top of hers, leading it away from the cold metal of the buckle and up to her lips where she plants a soft kiss on the first knuckle, _and Lexa_ , Lexa nearly _melts_ , can feel that familiar pull at her heart strings and a sleepy smile graces her features. Clarke closes her eyes, rests Lexa's palm against her cheek and just stays there for a moment. When she finally opens her eyes, Lexa can see just how tired she is, the usual vibrant blue reduced to a duller version of herself.

Clarke presses one last kiss to her palm before letting go, turns in her seat to look at Aden.

Lexa mouths "go" gesturing towards the house, "I've got him."

Carrying Aden is a bit clumsy. Lexa has trouble getting her footing and she almost smacks his head against the side mirror. It's not like she makes it a habit of carrying him, the kids gained some serious pounds since he was three.

The porch light is on and the spring door is open and Lexa zeroes in on Abby, the way she holds on to Clarke, cradles her head in her hand as if she were a child and Clarke just lets her. For a moment, Lexa swears she can see Jake, a bear of a man, towering over the both of them, smiling.

Lexa shakes her head, blinks rapidly. Aden stirs in her arms and he looks up at her with a sleepy look. "Go back to sleep, we're home. We're home." She isn't really sure who she's trying to convince.

He looks between Mrs. Griffin and Clarke, holding on to each other, then at his sister, the way she tries to hide her tears from him. He pulls on her sleeve, gets her attention, "Lexa?"

She uses her shoulder to wipe her eyes, clears her throat, "yeah, bud?"

"I miss him, too."

Lexa just stands there for a moment with her eyes closed, and then she takes in a deep breath and puts Aden down, ruffles his hair and pulls him in for a quick hug. "Go say goodnight to Mrs. Griffin, we can talk in the morning."

Aden runs into the house, practically tramples over Clarke in his mission to get to Abby and Lexa only rolls her eyes, let's out a small laugh because this family of theirs, it's broken. It has been for a while, Lexa knows this, and it's about time they do something about it.

And when Clarke motions Lexa to come over, signature smile in place, well, Lexa figures this is as good a time as any to start.

**Author's Note:**

> I've never written anything like this before, it was a bit of a struggle most of the time and I can't tel you how many times I thought about just scrapping it but there was something in me, something incessant and quite frankly, most of the time annoying, but it kept telling me to keep going. And tonight I've realized that that voice in my head, it wasn't me, it was you, the fandom. If we want to keep clexa alive then we gotta do it ourselves. Thank you for sticking around with me.


End file.
